Game-day Bonanza : Habs – Red Wings
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. We’re fucken fucked. Seriously, we’re so fucken fucked, it’ll be like that time we got fucken fucked. Ok seriously! Enough joking around! I’m sorry, playing Detroit is always exciting! I know, but you’re freaking out the viewers with all the FUCKS you said. Ok I apologize, seriously though, Detroit is scary.
Let’s look at both teams:
Our year so far: You know, for all the horrible performances we’ve put in, we’re still 5th in the East.
Their year so far: The Red Wings are like your friend’s hot mom, who you remember seeing for the first time when you were 6, and that was the first time you felt your right testicle move a little. Now, 15 years later, she got a breast reduction to make her beautiful breastuses more symmetrical and amazingly round and she looks even better. And you just keep thinking “Man, some day I’m gona see her, and she’s gona be really ugly!” but that day seems to never come. Instead, the next time you saw her she was just like “Hey my son’s best friend, OOGLE MY GOODIES!”.
Good guy updates: Carey’s starting for the 6th game in a row – we’re seeing a trend here aren’t we? I miss Komisarek already. Tender Gender accompanied the team to Michigan, but only so Maxim Lapierre can seem liike he’s better looking when Guillaume stands next to him.
Enemy updates:
Guy Carbonneau pre-game speech to his team:
Carbo: “Ok guys, this is simple! Just don’t give Zetterburg and Datsyuk any room to manuever, and we should be alright!”
Muller: “Um…Guy…Hossa…”
Carbo: “Oh yeah, Hossa too! Watch out for Hossa. He’s a sneaky motherfucker! Just, like, skate next to him and stuff like that. We’ll be okay!”
Muller: “Um, Guy? Um, sorry…Samuelsson…”
Carbo: “Oh yeah! Yeah guys, Samuelsson too…”
Hamrlik: “Doesn’t Samuelsson play for Florida?”
Kostopoulos: “You really need to get an internet connection”
Hamrlik: “Fuck you…you…you Greek guy!”
Carbo: “Settle down guys! Oh shit, I almost forgot! Yeah, don’t let Lidstrom get the puck on the point during the powerplay!”
Muller: “Just don’t give them a powerplay…please…”
Kovalev: “They have good powerplay…?”
Carbo: “…better than ours…”
Plekanec: “HEY! YOU SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER THAT WE SUCKED ON THE POWERPLAY IF WE LIKE, TRIED HARD AND STUFF!”
Carbo: “Yeah, yeah…fuck your turtle-neck bitch”
Plekanec: “Now that was just uncalled for…”
Muller: “Guys! Ok so Hossa, Zetterberg, Datsyuk, Samuelsson, Lidstrom…am I forgetting anyone?”
Carbo: “Oh fuck! Franzen?”
Muller: “Yeah, Franzen too!”
Carbo: “Oh, and for the love of god! Don’t let Holmstrom screen Carey too much. We don’t have HD!”
Muller: “That…that joke needs work man…”
Carbo: “Yeah, it was even a bit sour for my taste.”
Muller: “Oh shit! Don’t forget Hudler!!”
Carbo: “Oh yeah, Hudler too! But apart from those 10 guys, WE SHOULD BE FINE!”
*all players look scared out of their minds*
Hamrlik: “Cheer up guys! At least Hasek is getting old!”
—-
Soft spot for the enemy: Pavel Datsyuk. Easily one of the top 5 players in the league.
Who will probably score for us: Robert Lang to get one against his former team and then to moon the crowd!
Who will probably score on us: I don’t know. I’m scared.
Who will definitely not score for us: Tomas Plekanec. He’s as cold as Whoopi Goldberg’s left nipple ring right now.
Who will definitely not score on us: Ty Conklin.
Prediction: A wise man once said “A man is at his most dangerous when his pride is hurt” and “Don’t let that bitch up in your junk, call 1-800-JUNK”. This is probably one of the only games since the beginning of the season where we will really be the underdogs.
Skate, skate, skate. In this new NHL any team that outworks the other has a chance of winning. Habs 3-2 Detroit! GO HABS GO!
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