TopShelfHabs on the Red Carpet
On a day where it was almost too cold even for scalpers to enjoy their time (’cause they always do), yours truly had EXCLUSIVE! red-carpet passes credit to Rodney as the All-Stars walked into the Bell Centre to get ready for the skills competition. So in a nutshell, here’s how my penis-shrinking but unforgettable day went:
It all started with the aforementioned Rodney picking me up in his Lincoln Honda, unbeknownst to me where we were going - he swore he wouldn’t tell me until we got there.
3.5 seconds into the car ride, I got it out of him. “You should blow me for this, but I got us red-carpet passes to the All-Star game”. At which point I was still confused. “How could a simple jewish man have so much power?”, I thought to myself.
But low and behold, 2 hours later, we were on that same red-carpet he spoke of. After watching 7342456 people line up to take a picture with the Stanley Cup, we went to eat and I ordered 3 plates of fries from St Hubert – that was the only vegetarian meal they had.
There was this guy painting, and it was cool ’cause he could actually paint good and stuff.
Four o’clock comes, and we had to line up to access the ‘backstage’, basically the area where only about 500 people were allowed, and where the players would walk by to sign autographs/be molested/punch somebody or all of the above.
The youngstars came in first, and with each entrance a “Who’s THAT!?” could be heard. We’re sorry James Neal, but you’re not exactly a household name.
The loudest cheer went to Kris Letang – a combination of sexy hair and a back as built as Arnold’s placenta is a sure winning combination.
Brandon Dubinsky looks like the Jewish kid at your school that deals drugs and tries to act really tough, but his secret pleasures include drinking prune juice and watching Samantha Who.
Enough YoungStars! The first of the mature guys to walk in was Rick Nash, who signed a couple of autographs, gave an interview to this chick (who had to looks at her clipboard before to find out which player was which) who works for the NHL network and then walked by and into the Bell Centre.
After the NASHINATOR, the 3 Western Conference goaltenders walked in. Roberto ‘Gino’ Luongo was first, closely followed by Jean-Sebastien and then Nicklas Backstrom, who barely signed anything.
Close behind were the duo who aren’t old enough to rent a ski-doo, yup, Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews. Kane, when the doors opened and he walked in, looked so scared and I swear I heard him go: “I’m American. This shouldn’t be happening!”.
After that; Jarome Iginla, Brian Campbell (who barely signed anything), Patrick Marleau, Dan Boyle, Scorr Niedermayer and Ryan Getzlaf (who looks skinnier in real life).
A few minutes later, Lundqvist came in dressed as slick as Tom Cruise in Top Gun, and Tim Thomas a few seconds later (man, TV doesn’t add 10 pounds in his case, it takes them off).
Mark Messier then walked in to shouts of “I SWEAR I ATE MY LAYS!”. Random.
The bigger names then started carooning in. Dany Heatley, who’s a fucken jerk and as ugly as he is precise with a stick in his hands.
Martin St Louis and Vinny Lecavalier were next, and I have to say HUGE RESPECT for Lecav who didn’t leave until every single thing that was handed to him was signed. He was very polite, very nice and actually was having conversations with us. Once again, huge props for Vinny. I touched his hand. I haven’t washed it yet.
In came Sid the Kid, to shouts of “SIDNEY! SIDNEY! SIDNEY!” and I was like “Man, all these people wana go to Australia!”. That joke would be funny if you had smoked up.
A gigantic cheer then rose from the crowd, and I was like “Steve Begin is here already!?”, but no, it was Ovechkin, who gave lots of time to the kids and signed most of the things they were handing him.
Carey Price was the first Hab to walk in, if my excited memory serves me right, and I got his autograph and looked at him and went: “I HAVE YOU IN MY POOL!” to which he just smiled and winked. I AM SOOO IN!
Mike Komisarek was next, and he looked like an excited 10 year old who’s just gotten his first Sega Genesis along with FIFA 94. Ok, that was me, but still, it was awesome. He was smiling the whole way through and I believe he hit on the NHL reporter who didn’t know who she was talking to. “Brad Pitt, hihihihi i am soo tittilicous hihihihi yaaa maybe shez born wit it maybe itz maybelline hihihihi i wana show you my vagina hihi”.
Andrei Markov then came in, signed a bunch of autographs and looked as Russian as he could. KOVY! was obviously the last one to walk in to huge cheers and chants of “KOVY! KOVY! KOVY! KOVY!”. He signed a bunch of autographs and came next to where Rodney and I were but some guy next to us said something to him and it pissed him off, ’cause he looked really mad and then walked away.
We were getting ready to leave, but not before I got Serge Savard’s autograph and saw Henri Richard and Jean Beliveau!
All in all, I will have to blow Rodney for this opportunity and a great way to spend a saturday night – other than the part where the tent wasn’t heated and my penis shrank 2 sizes and there was people who kept bugging us about free chips. I didn’t want free chips, but nooo, they had to give us free chips. Hey motherfucker, take the fucken salt and vinegar chips. Hey fuckface, I don’t want salt and vinegar.
PS: All the pictures are copyright of Rodney picture-taking ability, and if you steal them, we will find you.
PS#2: The camera we had ran out of batteries, so until I figure out how to put the pictures I have on my blackberry on my laptop, these pics’ll have to do.
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gigantic cheer then rose from the crowd, and I was like “Steve Begin is here already!?”, but no, it was Ovechkin
I FKN CRIED AT THIS COMMENT. YOUR TO FKN JOKES MAAN.